Musings from the Supermarket
I think I’ll just stand here for a minute and thaw out under the blast … not very green, is it? Oh well, into the fray. Let the trolley wars begin.
Tomatoes, lettuce, potatoes … this is going well. So satisfying, crossing stuff off your list – little things please little minds … Ripe and ready? These avocados are rock solid – you could use them for a 21-gun salute. ‘No, after you, please’ … Oh … if I’d known you were going to spend ten seconds examining every apple I would never have let you in. What on earth was the matter with that one? Well, I’m not having it now that you’ve palpated it so comprehensively.
‘Oh, hi, how are you? Haven’t seen you in ages! … I’m fine, thanks, blah, blah, etc. … Oh well, must get on!’ Oh god, I’m going to spend the next 20 minutes bumping into her down every aisle – so embarrassing.
Such a relief to leave the fruit and veg aisles behind. This is more like it: just turn on, tune in and trundle around in no particular order, totally in the zone. What is that music? What, is that music? Not up to Co-op standards: Dylan, Talking Heads … Oops, I’ve missed the tea … mustn’t forget what I’m here for.
Look at that fancy dress! Horrid Henry, Wally – just off the peg! What happened to improvising? Where’s the creativity? My mother assembled a stuffed-stocking tail, turned-over wellies and my cowboy hat with a feather boa into a prize-winning fancy-dress costume for me … jumpers for goalposts … and we used to lick road clean wi’ our tongues.
Krave? Krave? What kind of a name for a cereal is that? It’s so blatant … getting people addicted to tooth-rotting carbs … 29g of sugar per 100g! Bit pointless including all those vitamins, really.
Ah, just as I thought, here she comes again – time for a tight smile … good, that’s obviously what she thought too.
Whoa, did I really put that tin of mulligatawny soup into my trolley? Um … this is not my trolley! Where is it? Oh, there. So whose is this? ‘So sorry … don’t know what I was thinking … feel such a fool…’
Look, there’s that stuff they’re advertising on the telly – those Lenor granules that make your clothes pong for longer … available in five fragrances, no less. I mean, who buys those tubs? And look at the label: ‘Harmful to aquatic life with long-lasting effects.’ If ever there was a sign that we’ve reached peak stuff, this has to be it.
My god, look at that trolley: Coke, Hula Hoops, the dreaded Krave … are they hell-bent on … ? Stop, stop, slap wrists and go home to write out one hundred times ‘I must not be a judgemental middle-class cow.’ Not much I can do about the middle bit, though.
Oh no, she’s just rounding the corner by the mops. A curt nod? Yup, that was the right option.
Hooray! Thornton’s caramel squares down to £1, which means I can buy them. Just a minute … 41g of sugar per 100g – oh well, I’ve never claimed not to be a hypocrite …
Not again! I think we’ve reached the ‘totally ignore’ phase of the Diminishing Greetings in Supermarket Encounters Scheme … yesss!
Yay, an empty till … result! Online grocery shopping? I wouldn’t miss all this for the world …