{"id":6532,"date":"2019-05-14T07:58:10","date_gmt":"2019-05-14T07:58:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/?p=6532"},"modified":"2019-05-22T10:08:51","modified_gmt":"2019-05-22T10:08:51","slug":"infernal-fantasies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/?p=6532","title":{"rendered":"Infernal Fantasies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Brexiteers\/Getty Images<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

My favourite fantasy used to be one where I took the Carnegie Hall by storm (piano? violin? \u2013 it\u2019s immaterial), clad in midnight blue velvet. But now, inspired by Donald Tusk\u2019s speculations about what the special place in hell for those who \u2018proposed Brexit without a sketch of a plan\u2019 might look like, I have found it far more satisfying to conjure up the bespoke hells that the chief architects of our present woes deserve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s start with Jacob Rees-Mogg, the father of six who has never changed a nappy. Today is not going well for Jacob<\/strong>, up in the cramped flat on the twelfth floor of a converted office block. In fact, he\u2019s in meltdown, and it\u2019s only 10am. He has to be at the council offices at 11, to pay the arrears on his council tax, or eviction looms. It\u2019s taken him ages to scrape together the amount he needed, but now a nappy of epic proportions looks like scuppering his chances of getting to the council offices on time. He clings on to his son for dear life, because if the infant starts crawling around the poo seeping copiously from the edges of his nappy will get everywhere. Jacob could have sworn there was another packet of nappies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cry interrupts his son\u2019s grizzling: \u2018I hate you, Dad!\u2019 his\ndaughter bellows as she kicks the rotting skirting board. She\u2019s refused to go\nto school as she hasn\u2019t got any clean clothes. (She\u2019s fed up with her\nclassmates telling her she smells.) But the washing machine has broken down and\nany money Jacob had has gone towards the council tax arrears. And if he can\u2019t\nget out, he won\u2019t be able to get to the food bank either. They might have had\nsome nappies as well \u2013 but he hasn\u2019t got any more nappies so he can\u2019t get out\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In another part of town, Boris<\/strong> takes a break from yet another go at making the figures look a bit brighter and looks out at the rain hammering down on the trading estate. He is worn out out, ground down by the futile effort of trying to make any plans at all when the situation is so uncertain. Things wouldn\u2019t be so bad if he hadn\u2019t taken out that loan last year. It had all looked so promising! He\u2019d found a niche and innovated \u2013 done all the stuff the Government was always banging on about \u2013 and customers from all over seemed to like what he had to offer. But now the orders have dried up as his European customers got the jitters. And, let\u2019s face it, even if a big order did come in, how would he fulfil it? Half his workforce have upped sticks and gone back to Romania or wherever, mumbling \u2018Fuck this business\u2019 as they headed out the door. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As he gets up to make a cup of tea he collides with a stack\nof boxes \u2013 he\u2019s forgotten that every square in of his office, not to mention\nthe workshop, is crammed with components he\u2019s spent \u00a350k on, but is unlikely\never to need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nigel<\/strong>\u2019s entrancing dream about being locked in a cigar factory overnight gradually gives way to reality as consciousness dawns. But where is he? The slowly intensifying pain in his chest reminds him. That lung has never been quite right since his air crash, and now he has been given a new one. He needs more painkillers \u2013 this instant! He gropes for the nurse call button, which he finds lodged under his sweaty buttocks, and presses it with all his feeble might. He waits 10, 15, 20 seconds \u2026 but no one comes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. Now he realises\nhis bladder is uncomfortably full, too. With a supreme effort he he rasps \u2018Nurse!\u2019\nand collapses back on the pillows, watching the alarming spikes racing along on\nthe heart monitor (can that really be dried blood on the side of it?). Two minutes\nlater the curtains round his bed are swept aside with an angry whoosh and Nurse\nhisses \u2018 Whatever it is you\u2019ll just have to wait, Mr F: I\u2019ve got one patient\nfitting in the next room, another stuck on a commode down the corridor, and a\npost-op arriving any second. We\u2019re five trained nurses down on this ward.\u2019 Then\nshe turns on her heel. Nigel feels a warm flood spread round his nether regions\n\u2026 and the pain is getting worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh the sweetness of revenge reveries! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

. . . a nappy of epic proportions looks like scuppering Rees-Mogg’s chances . . . <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":6534,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,67,55,65,56,62],"tags":[199,204,200,201,202,203],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6532"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6532"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6532\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6596,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6532\/revisions\/6596"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6534"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6532"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6532"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6532"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}