{"id":7206,"date":"2020-02-17T08:12:03","date_gmt":"2020-02-17T08:12:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/?p=7206"},"modified":"2020-02-17T08:12:04","modified_gmt":"2020-02-17T08:12:04","slug":"catalogomania","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/?p=7206","title":{"rendered":"Catalogomania"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I love a catalogue, me. I think it\u2019s a hangover from childhood, when I would pore over the Green Shield stamps catalogue and marvel at the number of books you would have to fill to lay your hands on a colour television (375, since you ask). Other options were available, though, and you could get a mouth organ for just one book. (Even the process of filling the Green Shield stamp books was enjoyable: sticking in the stamps, and seeing page after page of the book go stiff, with crinkly edges, made me feel as though my life was really progressing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to data sharing\/mining\/selling, direct mail can target us ever more accurately when it comes to delivering temptation to the doormat. (How I laughed decades ago, as I sat surrounded by dirty nappies and Weetabix encrustations, to read a blandishment from a timeshare company assuring me I liked the finer things in life!) What this means is that catalogues full of products designed to appeal to those of a senior persuasion make their way through my letter box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what hours of fun to be had! Sometimes it\u2019s hard to tear\nmyself away from their mysterious and optimistic pages. Here is just a small\nsample of the delights on offer from the Easylife catalogue. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My eye is instantly drawn to Alligator Adhesive Tape. Little diagrams illustrate how it can be used to seal pipes and repair showers, but with the photo they\u2019ve gone literal: here is an alligator with said tape round its snout. I want to know more: is this cruelty to alligators? Photoshop? Does someone in the design team own a stuffed one? So many questions, but no time to consider them because now I\u2019ve spotted a beauty miracle that seems to have been overlooked by the major cosmetic houses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Hyaluronic acid serum (\u00a312.99) promises that I can \u2018say\ngoodbye to wrinkles in 7 days\u2019. Wow! That\u2019s refreshingly direct after all the mealy-mouthed\ncommitments for unguents that sell for five times the amount. The best that\nthey can offer is that their particular snake oil will \u2018help to reduce the\nappearance of wrinkles\u2019. And in case you were concerned about the rather-fierce\nsounding name of the serum, the small print in the catalogue offers this\nreassurance: \u2018Don\u2019t worry \u2013 it\u2019s not an acid in the sense of burning you \u2026\u2019 But\nI do worry: if it\u2019s that great, why is it confined to p. 93 of the Easylife\ncatalogue, not starring in double-page spreads in Vogue<\/em> at an exorbitant price?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The purple prose in these small ads often repays close\nscrutiny, and I gather that those who are adept at writing it can command high\nfees for their labour. It\u2019s one thing to describe accurately the properties of\na rug gripper that anyone would find useful, but quite another to convince us\nwe need the Black Sheep Toilet-roll Holder: \u2018Cute and highly original, this\ntoilet roll holder shows that you don\u2019t have to be po-faced in the loo.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Note swanky manicure<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Most baffling of all is the entry for sheet suspenders, which goes to some lengths to persuade us that these elasticated straps for flat sheets\u00a0 will prevent them from \u2018riding up, wrinkling or creasing\u2019 . . . then sabotages the snappy text with a sketch of these suspenders clearly in use on a fitted sheet. What\u2019s that all about?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, beware \u2013 too long perusing the catalogue may put\nyou into an uncharacteristically receptive state. Even now I\u2019m itching to order\nBoswellia Incense Balm, a preparation inspired by Tibetan Buddhist monks. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is this cruelty to alligators?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":7212,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,63,67,55,53],"tags":[259,91,260,80,97,81],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7206"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7206"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7206\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7219,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7206\/revisions\/7219"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7212"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7206"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7206"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damesnet.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7206"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}