Pass the egg-white crisps
Gourds/The Dames
Not so long ago, having a few people over for supper was a simple exercise; you served up a big bowl of chilli and rice, an iceberg lettuce salad, a few beers and bottles of red plonk followed by some decent brand ice cream and the deed was done. The food was secondary to the stimulating company, the scintillating conversation and the sheer pleasure of getting a few of your mates together.
Not any more. We’re all masterchefs now, and even if we don’t aim quite that high, everyone coming round next Saturday evening is going to have watched the latest round of cooking programmes. They’ll all be keen to discourse eloquently on the pros and cons of groundnut v. sunflower oil, which blowtorch produces the most dramatic effect, the science behind emulsion sauces or the advantages of using infrawave oven technology – did you even know that this actually exists?
Now this poses a problem for people like me who are not obsessed with the latest gadgets and techniques and find cooking programmes on the telly thoroughly boring and a complete turn-off. I enjoy cooking and serving an interesting meal, but don’t relish the thought of my humble offerings being rated against the feverish output of a bunch of people whose apparent sole aim in life is to create the ultimate cauliflower tabouleh or gougon. Plus the fact that food fashion seems to move on faster than the average teenager’s wardrobe, so even if I were to master the latest art of roasting pheasants this skill would immediately be overtaken by a need to bake the perfect cupcake, which of course is in fact so last year.
Never having been of the ‘if you can’t beat ‘em then join ‘em’ persuasion, here are some suggestions that I hope will serve as the antidote to those smarty foodies who can’t help assessing your cooking prowess while accepting your hospitality:
Foodie comment Casual riposte
Did you see that amazing recipe for kale fritters? I’m a Bird’s Eye girl myself
They say sage really boosts your brain power I prefer crosswords
I can’t wait to try deep fried grasshopper Try this powerful spray that really works
We did tell you we were on the paleo diet? Just leave your clubs by the front door
I so love the marbling in Kobe beef Would you settle for dominoes?
Have you tried any laser etched food? Give me poster paints any day
My smart knife detects food protein levels How does that work with milk?
You get my drift. Failing that, next time you throw a dinner party, give them all cheese on toast and shake your head sadly at them as they struggle to cope with this latest nouvelle vague.