Musings of a Third Clarinet
Hurrah! They’re both here and they’ve left a space for me in between them. And there’s lots of big brass in tonight, so that should cover up a multitude of my sins…
Here we go… you’d think after eight years in the band I’d be able to put up a music stand. God, this is so embarrassing! Start again: these two top bits here, these two spiky bits pointing down, and … finally.
What’s up first? Carmina Burana – good! I can actually play that one. Parp-parp PARP-PARP, parp-parp PARP-PARP, parp-parp-parp PAAAARRRRPPP, paaarp-parp-parp, etc. Better make the most of this – there may be trouble ahead.
Oooh, ‘Singing in the Rain’. He’s easing us in gently this evening. If I remember rightly we even get a bit of tune in the middle… and these lovely little drip-drop-drip-drops at the end.
He’s handing out some new music. What fresh hell is this? Overture to Orpheus in the Underworld – lovely. Wait a minute – it’s got five sharps!!! That’s cruel and unnatural treatment, if you ask me. I’ll just hang on to my hat.
Oh no! He’s looking our way… No, please no… don’t single us out to redo that bit! (What if I raise my stand a bit so he can’t see me – perhaps he’ll forget I’m here.) Too late …
That was intense, but I don’t think I let my chums down too badly. Pity about my squeak at the end – thank God he’s the most tolerant conductor in the world. When do we get to the can-can bit? Oh, I can hear it now – blimey – who would have thought it would look like that on the page?!
Sixteen plus eight plus twenty-three bars rest – I can’t count that! Time for some hawk-eyed observation of my neighbours with my peripheral vision… hurrah! I can’t have been more than two nanoseconds behind them.
Nooooo! Not Night on Bald Mountain – my nemesis! He may be Modeste Mussorgsky by name, but he’s written a frankly immodest number of notes in this thing! I’ll be lucky if I manage to play one in ten.
Shall I have a little practice of this tricky bit while we wait to start? Better not – someone might hear me. Hang on – wasn’t that the point of joining a concert band?
What is that note anyway? I have never ever seen it before in my life…
Whoa – we’re off on the wild ride. Oh well, as long as my fingers look convincing. Gina said this was programmatic music, just meant to create an overall impression. Okaayy – I think what I’m doing is probably more of an impersonation. Yup, that’s me: a musical impersonator – with impostor syndrome.
Oh, we’ve stopped… are we at the end already? I was nowhere near there there! Never mind, next time we do it, I’ll probably finish before everyone else and be waiting for them to catch up.
Phew – Michael’s solo. I can relax a bit. How does he do it? Please God, can I have a brain and fingers transplant?
Let’s mark the bit from here to here, so I can practise these buts first thing tomorrow, when I can still vaguely remember how they’re supposed to go. If I can get enough of these and join them together, perhaps I can sort of keep my end up.
Still, when I’m in my posh frock at the concert, hearing the applause at the end, it’ll feel great. Heartfelt thanks to the gents and ladies of the big brass for all the cover you provide!