Am I Soignée Yet?

Posted by Verity on February 19, 2024 in Blog, Consumer issues, Fashion, Humour, Living today | 2 comments

One of the few things on my very short (but very long-lived) bucket list has been to look soignée – no doubt because of too much exposure to Vogue at an early age. I can’t believe I still haven’t achieved it, but hope springs eternal – and I have a wedding coming up.

At one stage, decades ago, I was getting quite close to it. With my tweed – no, make that ‘tweed look’ – mini coat and my pull-up wet-look knee boots (!), I felt I was within striking distance. And then the whole project was derailed by hippiedom. Turning my back on the sleek, groomed look, I headed full tilt in the opposite direction: more scarves, more beads, bigger hair, floppier hats, droopier skirts… Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive!

But instead of subsiding into something more restrained as I began my working life, I went to Australia. Brisbane, to be precise. Up in the subtropical regions. We know by now how hard it is to be immaculately turned out when it’s 30⁰ in the shade. This was my cheesecloth and batik period – all of which had to be topped off with a chunky cardigan during a day in an over-air-conditioned office. Even the blokes in their tailored safari shorts suits were more soigné than me!

Returning to cooler climes could have been an opportunity to pull myself together, so to speak, except that it was swiftly followed by motherhood, and a uniform of trousers with bagged-out knees and tops with a recurring motif of posset on the shoulders.

I must also acknowledge the contribution of moths to the sabotage of my attempts at elegance. The holes they have inflicted on my clothes seem to have the unique property of being invisible until I’m safely out of the front door. I recall a very chic senior civil servant talking to me at a work do a few years ago, apparently transfixed by the black watch tartan scarf I had draped round my neck with casual élan. On inspecting it later, I discovered it was pocked with large holes, some easily one centimetre across.

A large part of what I believe is now called a ‘put-together’ look is a flawless complexion – or as the mega influential Korean beauty industry has it, a glass complexion. My social media feeds are regularly gate-crashed by blandishments for a foundation called ‘Il Makiage’, and I must admit to being more interested in these than in the ones for penile enlargement. The demonstration of how this product can be used to give even a lemon a smooth ivory complexion are undeniably impressive, but I did my due diligence: the ether is full of complaints about how this stuff goes orange, flakes off, etc. No prospect of an alabaster finish there.

Nevertheless, all is looking good for the wedding. I may well be wearing all new clothes for once, so what could possibly go wrong? But what’s the betting that I’ll catch sight of myself in a mirror at some stage and realise that the handlebar moustache has landed back on my forehead – and, as any fule kno, you cannot be soignée with a handlebar moustache* draped above your face.

• My fringe