Drive Talk

Posted by Verity on November 20, 2023 in Consumer issues, Humour, Living today, Rants, Transport, Travel | 4 comments

I’m far from being a petrol head, but I feel there is one vital innovation that motor manufacturers have completely failed to equip their products with. In my view every car should be fitted with an ICS (Intercar Communication System®).

It would be a simple adaptation, requiring a small panel incorporated into the dashboard and the message display, an illuminated strip going horizontally across the roof of the car.

From the dashboard panel you could choose from a limited – but customised – selection of messages. My first choice would definitely be ‘What part of 20mph don’t you understand?’, for the many occasions on which I am tailgated and then overtaken with rude impatience by someone who thinks they know better than the London Borough of Lambeth (and ten other boroughs) and the government’s THINK campaign. Half the time I rock up right behind them at the next set of traffic lights anyway.

My next choice would be an apology: ‘Sorree!’ – for dithering between lanes, for deciding to turn at the last minute, for not turning down the main beam quickly enough… so many little infractions. I just hope it would defuse the situation, convincing other road users that I’m a crap but sincere driver rather than a road hog.

As we all need to vent our feelings about other drivers sometimes (and they need to remember that there are others on the road apart from themselves, and that they do have things called indicators), I’d also have a sign that simply said ‘You prat!’. There would have to be some restrictions on the terms you could choose, but anything in the prat/wally/idiot/pillock range would be acceptable. The additional benefit of this sign is that you would not get little innocents in their buggies yelling ‘You prat’, having heard it so often as impressionable backseat passengers.

The message that would improve my life immeasurably is one to be deployed as you begin to thread your way down a narrow street parked on both sides. It would read ‘Don’t even think about it!’, as drivers who launch themselves down the street from the other end even when there is no obvious passing space fill me with terror. They might be confident that they can get past me, but I’m convinced I can’t get past them. It might be possible, but not when I’ve seized up and can barely move.

It would be useful to have the capacity to compose a specific message dependent on circumstances, for example, ‘Towing trailer’ or ‘Postman Pat on repeat inside’. I’ve never felt the need of one more than when I briefly drove a beautiful bronze automatic VW courtesy car that drew admiring glances from passers-by, but howls of rage from those driving behind me as I unfailingly mistook the brake for a clutch. ‘Warning: new to automatic’ would have enabled them to keep a safe distance.

I think the ICS is a brilliant idea, but I can quite see that all those messages might be quite distracting, and could be used for provocation. I’d still like to trial it, though – and say sorry to everyone I’ve ever annoyed on the road.